Comment Editor Andrea Beyer-Fraile delves into the recent celibacy trend taking social media by storm. Exploring what it entails, why it's gaining traction, and whether it’s truly worthwhile.
Suppose you are on any form of social media. In that case, you have likely scrolled through a dozen videos on #celibacy by young women and men sharing their experiences of being celibate, and how they have benefitted dramatically from it. The term celibacy here refers to voluntarily withholding from sexual relations for an extended period, unlike its religious definition, which implies a lifelong commitment to abstaining from both marriage and sex. Having been immersed in the student and university bubble for five years, where casual hookup culture flourishes, I was surprised to notice a growing conversation around the topic. Given my Catholic education, seeing the term “celibate” frequently appear in my feed felt like a familiar frustration; I thought I had left the sex taboo behind after finishing secondary school.
For a while, my For You Page had been flooded with ‘trad wife’ content, and just when I had escaped the homemade cereal tutorials by popular influencers like Nara Smith, sex-free content took over. It felt as though social media was insisting that my current sex-indulging lifestyle was no longer acceptable or ‘cool’. Truthfully, I was sceptical about the chastity craze and questioned whether it was merely a contemporary effort to vilify sex.
To withhold from sexual intimacy should not inherently mean straying away from connection and dating. On these terms, it can be liberating to allow oneself to engage in romance but have a sexual boundary.
Ultimately, I bit the bullet and decided to engage with the content and quickly realised that the majority of those partaking in it were still advocating for sex positivity. I came across Hope Woodard (she/her), a popular comedian who shares my dislike for the word celibate. Woodward coined her sex-free journey as “boysober” in an attempt to stray away from religious connotations. In one of her TikTok videos in August, she emphasised: “I have always said that being boysober should be about taking your power back, and like still flirting and still interacting and still trying to have connections but in a more sustainable way.” To my surprise, Woodward’s openness about her journey and expectations resonated with me. To withhold from sexual intimacy should not inherently mean straying away from connection and dating. On these terms, it can be liberating to allow oneself to engage in romance but have a sexual boundary.
I sat down with James Lang (he/him) to gain insight into the male perspective on celibacy. James shared that his decision to be celibate stemmed from a dry spell, which he chose to prolong, and he anticipates staying celibate until he feels ready to engage in intimacy again. Discussing whether the trend is diminishing the sex-positive narrative that society has advocated for in recent years, Lang shared:
“I don’t think there’s anything that isn’t ‘sex positive’ about participating in celibacy. It’s definitely more positive than participating in hookups, etc., just for the sake of it. It’s all up to the individual, of course, but for me, I don’t think it diminishes any aspect of it.”
Lang’s insight highlights the misconception that being sex-positive automatically means engaging in sexual relations. As part of his journey, Lang has decided to stay on dating apps, emphasising that his wish to refrain from sex has not interfered with his desire to seek romantic connections. If anything, deciding to go sex-free has taken the pressure off him and allowed him to reevaluate what he seeks from potential partners. While chatting with Lang, I found myself nodding along, which concluded in a ‘Eureka!’ moment. Was celibacy what I was missing? Had my dating life in the past few years been a complete disaster because I had jumped the gun with sex? Frankly, I am not ready to answer that question, but it got the wheels turning.
While I didn’t explicitly seek validation from my sexual partners, I often felt I was performing for them as I was conditioned to.
In an interview with The University Observer, Laura Kiely (she/her) shared her experience of a ten-month celibate journey. She discovered the #celibacy trend after ending a long-term relationship. She took the time to reflect on her feelings about sex and whether it was something she truly wanted.
“I suppose growing up as a woman, you are miseducated by the media, your mother (maybe), your friends, the movies, etc., that you have to be this sexually desirable object for men. That you won’t find love, whatever that means, if you are not constantly ready to sexually satisfy your partner.”
After my conversation with Kiely, I took an inventory of my dating life. I realised that I had been involved, whether with a partner or fling, let’s say, since my teenage years, and that a lot of these relationships revolved around satisfying their needs rather than my sexual desires. While I didn’t explicitly seek validation from my sexual partners, I often felt I was performing for them as I was conditioned to. Kiely shared this sentiment with me, “It’s years and years of miseducation. I am a woman, and therefore, I am a sexual object.”
Rather than a slap on the wrist for those who are sexually active, the focus is on asking, “Hey, are you being fulfilled by this?” and if the answer is yes, keep on scrolling.
Content creators like Woodward advocate that their choice to abstain stems from a desire to reconnect with their bodies and rebuild their relationship with sex. The trend promotes agency and mental health in intimate relationships, emphasising that engaging in sex should align with your individual needs and enjoyment. Rather than a slap on the wrist for those who are sexually active, the focus is on asking, “Hey, are you being fulfilled by this?” and if the answer is yes, keep on scrolling. However, if the answer to that question is no, it offers insight into how celibacy can be helpful to one’s personal and mental health needs.
I have yet to hop on the bandwagon, but I would be lying if I said I was no longer considering it. The discussion surrounding celibacy raises many conundrums. Mainly drawing attention to how hyper-sexualised society has become, where we see an overconsumption mentality filtering into our intimate relationships. Hookups have become readily accessible with just a swipe right on our phones. For many, including myself, the desire to press pause and assess the role of sex in our lives today is enticing, to say the least.