The Michael Roche dynasty has been long awaited since his prior election to power. Though many of his promises have caught wide attention, one of note caught our attention: the insurrection of the wrights food group for a budget friendly Lidl. Here at The Harpy we have the scoop, with a complete breakdown of this revolutionary plan.
With the new SU government taking office this semester, many anticipate President Micheal Roche’s promised changes: cheaper accommodation, affordable sambos, and making UCD Grea.. Ahem.. Bringing The Craic Back...again.
Roche’s most radical pledge? Seizing control of UCD food services by replacing the crooked Wrights Food group with a cost effective Lidl.
We at The Harpy have insider info from agent Una Versity OBE regarding the Lidl-ification of UCD Village. Here’s the plan:
Stage one: Upon SU rep selection, the newly elected will storm the UCD village. ResLife staff won’t be harmed—if they steer clear.
Stage two: Round up all Wrights members for a Lidl career pitch. Refusers may find themselves in the lake.
Stage three: Roche will create copies of the Wright’s-UCD agreement to be used in the Village bathrooms.
Stage four: Declare the Village Hub as UCDSU territory—except Mikey’s. Mikey’s can stay. Mikey’s is class.
Stage five: Purge all remaining features of Wright’s. Celebrate the revolution with a chicken roll themed party. (The rolls must be sourced off campus for an additional fee as Centra is now burnt down.) Booze from The Local shall be moved to the SU bunker “for emergencies.”
Stage six: Build a Lidl from scratch, uniting eateries into a budget-friendly complex. The middle aisle will be home to last year’s unsuccessful Presidential candidates.
Stage seven: The People’s Republic of Student Unions Village is born. And Mikey’s. Mikey’s is class.