Agony Anto


Now that term is out I can finally get back to drug-dealing….anyone for a score?

Dear Mr Anthony,

I have been troubled as of late with lower back pain and heartache, and my darling Porsche has told me that you are the man to talk to. My husband recently left me and took the love of my life – Pablo the pool boy – with him. If this wasn’t bad enough, he also took all of the pool water and so my usual morning swim has left me with no amount of back pain. Is there anything that you can recommend?



Yo’ Vic,

How’s your Porsche ride? Is it won a’ dem Camera’s ‘r is it a GT? You lookin’ ta sell it? Me uncle John Joe ‘ll buy it off ya’.

I can get me mam ta’ have a look at yer back fer ya. She’s won a’ dem ones da rubs peoples muscles ta’ make ‘em bett’r. All the lads she sees come out smilin’ and singin’ her praises. An’ sure I can sort ya ou’ wid tha’ other pain yer’ feelin’. Me sister’s fella ‘s a docter, I’ll ask ‘im ta take a lok at ye’.






Hey Anto,

I’m screwed and I need your help. I boned this girl about a month ago in my car round the back of my local chipper but now she’s sayin’ she’s knocked up. I don’t know if it’s mine or not but she’s saying that I’m the only one it can be. She says the other 12 fellas that night did her standing up and she swears that was the only night she missed her pill. What the hell am I supposed to do?


Alri’ James,

Ya muppet! Why do ya think dey give ya ‘dem little white bags wi’h de chips? Tha’s a free Johnny, ya tick! Don’ worry tho, it could happen a priest. Look at Fr Sykes, O’Brien, Murray… sure half the bleedin’ parish is priests’ kids.

If yer ever short a Johnny tho, jus’ pour a couple a’ letres of coke down after yer done. It’ll sort ya ou’ an’ its cheeper than johnnys, sure I don’ have ta worry about getting’ Jacinta pregnant anymore an’ she’s got a job in Macky D’s as a drinks dispenser.

Don’ be too quick ta dump da kid. I’m makin’ a killin’ between social and makin’ me little ones work. But if ya really want der’s always da boat. Or else save a few bob an’ shove da’ bitch in fron’ of a bus.

Yer mate,