50% Of UCD’s Drama Graduates Become Trees.

Image Credit: Samaneh Sadeghi Marasht

A recent study conducted by UCD’s horticulture society suggests that 50% of the campus's trees are drama graduates. While former students claim that they are on the frontline against climate change, it is understood that in fact their degree does not qualify them to do much else. 

Speaking to The University Observer, Stephen Oakmount found it very difficult to set down some roots following graduation. “It was a very uncertain time” he informed me, “practically everyone I knew had decided to emigrate. Employment was scarce everywhere, let alone in drama. Even the mess of a UK government advised us to upskill!” Oakmount decided to use the techniques he learnt during his UCD drama degree to find his calling. Oakmount had spent many waking hours pretending to be a tree.  

“We would get into class around 9 a.m. and Professor Woodhouse would insist we “learn by feeling” and demand that we pretend to be a tree. And we did, because we were spending 3 grand a year. Until 5p.m we would pretend to be trees, only stopping for lunch and indiscriminately screaming.” 

Oakmount insisted that life as a tree was a fruitful and rewarding experience. “I no longer have any need for earthly pleasures and desires. A great weight is lifted from you when you stop sucking in oxygen and begin to give it to others.” When asked about desire and his capacity to reproduce Oakmount scoffed; “I reproduce by myself. No need for relationships or any complications, just time and patience.” 

Oakmount is just one of many thousands of drama graduates who have gone on to become trees. While one or two graduates a year persevere to land roles in TV advertisements or occasionally as an extra in Fair City, Oakmount and so many others are happy to “surrender to the unemployability of the degree” and reside happily in the UCD orchard. Others sell their soul and end up in Smurfit.