President Andrew Deeks has called a memorial service for the estimated 1,200 people thought to be missing or dead after the mass power outages that struck UCD this week. The bloody riots that broke out through campus occurred as hundreds of students were evacuated from various buildings around Belfield.
At first, the incidents were isolated, confined only to Agricultural Science students beating up Arts students on their way home after being told to leave the Newman smoking area. However, as more and more Law students were forced from their own personal seats in the James Joyce Library and realised that every second spent not studying was an advantage to other students looking for jobs, the violence quickly broke out.
As far as we are aware, Librocop was the first victim of these senseless murders. Eyewitnesses say students rushed his den and bludgeoned him to death with short loan books that were to be returned within two days. This was seen by many as the destruction of any sense of justice on campus and so the slaughter began.
“It’s a real ssssshame”, UCD Students' Union President Barry Murphy said, before unhinging his jaw and eating a small animal. “Ssssuch a large loss to the ssssstudent body will make the upcoming elections a much more difficult tasssssk for thosssssse running for office.” When reminded that 1,200 students only make up about 1% of the total student body of UCD, he replied “Sssssure that’sssss about as many people that actually care about the Union anyway.” The Students' Union is itself reeling from the loss of one of its own sabbatical officers. UCDSU Graduate Officer Niall Torris was seen going to a “celebration” in his honour at the Graduate’s School, although it is important to note that this happened several days before the outages and was more than likely an attack with a different motive.
UCD Societies Officer Richard Butler, when asked for comment, sent the following as a voice message where the sound of a helicopter engine and gunfire could be heard; “We at the Societies Council are very pleased to announce that all of our members are safe and sound and that we are well equipped to protect ourselves. We are currently on top of the New Student Centre protecting ourselves from the zombie outbreak which has occurred here in Dublin.” Although there is no clear evidence of any sort of zombie outbreak in UCD, this voice message may explain the several suspected L&H members found dead by the Clubhouse smoking area.
UCD Estate Services have stated that the majority of the mess has been cleaned up and that all faculties should be fully operational by the end of the week. The only exception to this is James Joyce Library, which will not be reopened until the sacrificial lamb is slaughtered in order to summon a new Librocop into our world.
We here at The Harpy would like to extend our deepest sympathies and are putting a call out for information for the location of our Gaeilge section editor Hugh Carr, as he took our tea bags in the chaos and we really want them back.