The amusing premise of this film – an obnoxious alcoholic superhero gets rebranded by a PR firm – suddenly derails halfway through. With the writer apparently abducted by aliens leaving the script unfinished, we are treated to a bizarre assortment of fight scenes, laser guided amnesia and lunar vandalism.
This is a standard alien movie until it attempts to have a plot. The aliens are allergic to water. What sort of planning procedure was there for this invasion? Were there any documents produced on the problems of invading somewhere that is over 70% made of your greatest weakness? The aliens also appear to have mastered space travel without first mastering the door; Mel Gibson defeats one by locking it in a cupboard.
Started by Kubrick and completed by Spielberg, this movie is a schizophrenic mix of the sickeningly sentimental and the horrifyingly tragic. It finishes with a morale sapping 20 minute series of endings. It feels like Spielberg filmed multiple outcomes in order to allow more freedom in post production but then, paralyzed by indecision, just layered them on like a big misery sponge cake.
Lord of the Rings
Another film suffering from multiple endings disorder. Finding out what each surviving character does every day for rest of their life takes nearly as long as the preceding movie, without a single orc to lighten the mood.
The dark ending was removed for the film version and replaced with a witch who magicked everything better. Gives a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Oh wait, that’s vomit. Roald Dahl himself hated the ending so much that he stood outside cinemas with a megaphone shouting at people not to see it.
40 Days and 40 Nights
A mildly amusing film, nothing anyone would actually pay for but not offensively bad… until the end that is.
Josh Hartnett has given up sexual activity for lent. On his final day, he gets raped and spends the rest of the film begging his girlfriend to forgive him for cheating on her, teaching us the important lesson that rape is both funny, and your own fault. Thanks Hollywood!
Pretty in Pink
Have a best friend who is always there for you? Makes you laugh when you are sad, always sticks up for you when other tear you down, is madly in love with you but just wants to see you happy? Well, screw him! Go for the hot guy, he only treats you bad because he loves you so much.
This charming chick-flick ends with the heroine dating her step-brother. Nothing like incest to grind a movie to a halt.
The Breakfast Club
A classic teen film from the 80s that taught us that people are more than their stereotypes. We learned that the popular kids and the outcasts have more in common than they thought, and could maybe even fall in love. Except for nerds. They do everyone’s homework and die alone.
I Am Legend
The original novel was a zombie story with a difference: As the story progresses the hero gains a deeper understanding of humanity leaving him and the audience to wonder who is truly the monster.
The film version has Will Smith explode stuff. Awesome.