The Badger: The Musical


The Badger talks Lance Armstrong, football chants and attempts to relate to the kids by naming the first indie band that showed up on Google

The Badger does not care for cycling. A badger’s frame does not agree with bicycles and therefore cycling is ridiculous. It is for this reason that The Badger is delighted with the recent report that confirms what everyone already knew about Lance Armstrong.

Finally, The Badger will be free from hearing about what an inspiration Lance Armstrong was and that he was so amazing to have stayed above it all in an era of doping in cycling. As it turns out, the only way in which Armstrong stayed above it all was as the head of the operation.

The only regret over this whole thing is that Armstrong will not have to face the fans in the same way footballers do. One of The Badger’s favourite things in sport is the chanting that takes place during football matches.

Despite their reputation as intellectually inferior (a reputation that The Badger feels holds true in most cases), football chants are by far the most advanced in terms of original lyrics and harshness. In rugby, the best team in Europe only has one chant unique to them; a song about a hooker.

The GAA is even worse. The Badger isn’t sure if there are any actual chants in GAA besides ‘Molly Malone’, ‘The Fields of Athenry’ and everybody’s favourite: ‘Shouting your team’s name and then managing to clap at a different time than everyone else in the stadium’.

Before anyone says it, The Badger knows that many football fans are horrendously stupid and chant about things such as Hillsborough or even the Holocaust. The Badger hates these people and so should you. The Badger also knows that some fans are horrendously lacking in creativity, and encourages you to hate these people to a lesser degree.

Football still remains the most innovative sport in terms of chanting. As far as The Badger is aware, no other sport uses pop culture more effectively, with fans reworking the lyrics to Blur’s ‘Parklife’ being a favourite. Also, as a complete cynic, The Badger enjoys the use of players’ private lives in these chants.

For example, Ashley Cole has probably had more songs written about him by football fans than Rage Against the Machine have written about not doing what you tell them to. The Badger hopes that you too find Cole to be one of the most deplorable characters in football, for reasons such as “trembling with anger” about only being offered £55,000 a week to play football and defending John Terry.

But The Badger is a pessimist, and sees an end of these beautiful chants in the near future. Music is changing, and songs like ‘Parklife’ are becoming a thing of the past as bands try their best to be different. For some reason, The Badger can’t imagine a stadium of football fans chanting abuse to the tune of a song by The Maccabees.