The Badger: Blamed for ‘McCleangate’ and other indiscretions!


In his last column of the academic year, the Badger throws caution to the wind and takes no prisoners, mainly because her sett isn’t large enough

After years of decency and respect towards this fine institution, years of ignoring its inferiority to Trinity and years of shifting the abuse overseas to where sport is professional and most talented Irishmen make their living, the Badger let loose his opinions on UCD. But it would seem UCD just wasn’t ready for the Badger.

Two weeks ago, The University Observer (the paper you’re reading, just in case you were afraid you might be accidentally reading The College Tribune) printed an article, a very well written and completely accurate one, in which the Badger spoke of this university’s rugby boys. Actually, it was the club’s scout, John McClean, who took the brunt of it. As it turns out, it didn’t go down too well with the men’s club.

The Badger is annoyed, very annoyed, and rightfully so. After months of covering dull Division 2 rugby and making the golden boys out to be even greater than they already think they are, one utterance of negativity and UCD RFC gives the silent treatment. It’s so unfair.

Well, in case you were expecting an apology, the Badger has only this to say: Grow up and stop crying over what a small furry animal said about you, but thank you for reading the Badger’s column nonetheless.

Now, onto a real sport. The Badger is going to compliment someone for a change: José Mourinho is a cool guy. He epitomises what coolness really is, and that is being awesome and knowing it. For nine years, the handsome devil pleases his home fans across the continent by not losing in front of them – a simple but brilliant strategy.

His arrogant, and at times girly, mates in Madrid went a bit loco recently, however, and decided to pull a disastrous practical joke on their fans by losing to Sporting Gijon. It’s obvious, well at least it is to the Badger with all his superior intellect, that Mourinho simply sought to add ‘Most Stupid Loss’ to his growing list of records, because being unbeatable gets old fast – take it from a particularly impressive Badger who learnt this first hand.

Speaking of being great, the Badger can’t help but notice how lacking in this area English sport is at the moment. This may be a risky move by your favourite “short-legged, heavy-set omnivore” – that’s how Wikipedia describes badgers, a description this Badger finds rather insulting – given England’s inability to take criticism, but let’s give it a go anyway.

It’s a sad state of affairs when Ireland beat you in sport, but when they beat you at a sport they didn’t even realise they competed in, you know you’re in trouble. The Irish cricket team, comprised mainly of the worst players from the southern hemisphere, recently beat the inventors of the game at the World Cup.  Yes they have a World Cup, despite the fact that only a handful of people play the sport and even less know the actual rules. This was embarrassing for the English, because apparently there were a few people with too much time on their hands watching.

Incidentally, some powerful people on the cricket board decided to avoid this happening again by removing the Irish from the next World Cup, but keeping the English in it for some reason. Something about cutting down on the bad teams to avoid boring cricket matches. The Badger didn’t realise England were a good team and that good teams can make cricket interesting.

On that note, the Badger is sad to say, he must sign off one last time for this year. Twelve issues of world class sports reporting and some other stuff, mostly filler, is all she wrote – not in the case of sport, women never write sport – and your cuddly Badger wants to thank all of you who have followed him over the past few months. You have truly wasted your time.