Sex and Relationships: FAQ

As a proud God-fearing nation, the Irish were once suitably ashamed of premarital sex, constantly living in a healthy amount of fear of burning in Hell for all eternity. However, in an unfortunate blow to decency and self-respect, recent statistics have shown that the youth of today are fornicating in record amounts with or without the consent of the Lord Almighty

This regrettable development may be due to the influence of popular music, such as the recent chart topper, “I’m bored of talking to you, my genitals require attention”. Perhaps computer games are to blame, with the blatant phallic imagery of Tetris or the unnecessarily provocative bow worn by Mrs Pac-man. Whoever’s at fault (and someone’s definitely at fault), premarital sex is not a passing fad like yo-yos or Pokémon cards. It is a new and confusing development that epitomises society’s decline into a disgusting orgy of filth. With this in mind, here are some frequently asked questions:

I was super shy in secondary school but, gee whizz, I think having a boyfriend would be just swell. My best friend Brad, the captain of the Superbowl team, keeps complimenting my choice of packed lunches. Is he sexually attracted to me?

UCD is one of the least romantic settings for coitus so the chances of finding a mate are significantly lowered during your time here. This being said, it has been known to occur so it is worth investigating if this horrible sounding Brad fellow is interested. A good way of going about this is text flirting, the modern equivalent of having the confidence to talk to another human being in real life. If you are interested in this particular male how about sending him a mildly suggestive text such as ‘I am ready for intercourse. Do you comply?’ If this does not work perhaps your personality is objectively unappealing.

However, there is still hope away from UCD. One of the more obvious mating grounds is the local dance club, a room full of youths practicing sexual gestures to the rhythmic beat of indecipherable noise while fully or partially clothed. Be aware that the men here are the least evolved form of the gender and enjoy triumphantly displaying their insecurities by punching each other in a game they call ‘Why didn’t my father hug me when I was a child?’ The safer and clearly superior option for finding a loyal companion is church on a Sunday morning where you can strike up a saucy conversation about how much guilt you feel for existing.

I think my boyfriend might be cheating on me. Whenever I catch him in bed with other women he claims they’re looking for the TV remote but I don’t believe him because we don’t own a television. What should I do?

You should always have faith in your significant other. If he says he’s not cheating on you then maybe he’s not. Apart from in this case where of course he is and you’d be a fool to think otherwise. My recommendation would be that every time you leave the house replace your bed with thousands of mousetraps stacked on top of each other. If he decides to tarnish your relationship while you’re out he’ll no doubt get caught in your hilarious prank. Then you can bond over how clever a trick you played on him and get married and have children. Crisis averted.

Boy howdy, there’s just so many different forms of contraception to choose from, it’s enough to make your head spin like a record set to an RPM that is too fast for that particular record. Could you please explain the various differences?

Contraception is a requirement in modern society because not everyone wants to create a little tiny human every time they have sex. Though childbirth is the primary aim of intercourse, it has increasingly become a popular opinion that some people engage in the act for pleasure. The level of enjoyment sex provides has been compared to winning a challenging game of Monopoly while simultaneously eating a very tasty bun. This is not the case with all mammals; the only creatures that engage in sex for satisfaction are humans and dolphins (not with each other. Such activity on campus will result in the loss of your student card).

One of many contraceptive devices is known as the condom, which is the Latin phrase for ‘dick shield’. It is the most popular form of contraception because of its dual function; firstly, preventing a couple from creating baby folk. Secondly, unused condoms double up as decorative balloons to celebrate the non-birthdays of the children they didn’t have. Another popular form of contraception is ‘the pill’. This tablet is the first example we have of genuine magic and is thought to give women the ability to fly, though this has never been proven or tested.