The State of Your Tucker


LawSoc’s newest honorary member gets a slating from Jake O’Brien

Have you ever wished for something you really, really wanted, more than anything else in the world? For some it’s a new car; maybe a Toyota with a functioning accelerator. For others it’s a companion to repel the pangs of isolation and loneliness. My wish, however, is to witness the untimely demise of one Tucker Max. I’d personally revel in watching his cocky charade of an existence come to an end at the hands of a tree surgeon, or perhaps a bona fide torture expert – someone as good with their hands as they are with tools and other nasty implements.

This disgusting excuse for a cretin has agitated every foul inch on my body and mind. His intolerable fiendishness has polluted my cerebral cortex for longer than I’d care. Do not mistake this rage for jealously, though – I have been down this road with too many others who have not made it back.

This phallic underling has nothing I want. His brain retains no knowledge that I would lust after. He exists only as a one-man parade of filth and destruction, bringing harm to the name ‘degenerate’ wherever he goes and whenever he gets there. If we were to be totally honest with ourselves, we might discover that we all enjoy a quiet peek at foolishness and a stern look at insanity. However, this does not excuse the bold and intolerable nature of one Mr Max.

This disgraceful vagabond seems to think that his success at an academic institute (University of Chicago) justifies to be the biggest ring-pirate on the face of this earth. To add to this, the fucker has paraded his acts upon an online journal, blogging his way into the empty spaces between the general public’s ears. “Oh, his stories are just so candid!” “Can you believe he drove his friend’s car into the front of a store window and just left it there?” That’s right: his friend’s car. What. A. Prick.

All things aside, the fool decided, upon stellar advice from his ‘friends’ that putting the once-free blog into book form would be a novel idea. Of course this struck his generic thought process as an excellent idea. Why give away for free what you can charge money for? Unfortunately, this smooth move only served as a dick pump to his already swollen ego.

But what do I know, right? Who am I to make this judgement call? Well, call me cautiously concerned about the moral decay of college societies. Call me someone who realises the irony and sarcasm of Mad Men and does not see it as a guidebook to life. No, actually. Go ahead. Put this inflated excuse for a douche bag on a pedestal and see how that affects the fabric of your reality. See what kind of wishes come off your stars then.

What. A. Prick.

Tucker Max received an Honorary Life Membership from LawSoc earlier this month