Soapbox: UCD Spotted


It may have provided us with hours of procrastination during exams but Stephen Bance is far from impressed by the infamous Facebook site 

During the Christmas exam period, the twin desires of procreation and procrastination that occupy a large chunk of the student body’s brain function gave birth to Spotted: UCD Library. Spotted: UCD Library was a Facebook page whereby library detainees could anonymously declare their sexual attraction to those amongst them deserving of their lust, often outlining the physical description of their charges, or their location within the library for authenticity and/or creepiness purposes.

Overlooking the forays into outright stalking that occurred, the majority of material consisted of the type of sex jokes that even Katherine Lynch would find one dimensional: “To the sexy ginger boy with beautiful dark brown eyes on the second floor… I see you every day, working long and hard… Just like I think your willy would be like… and I’m not alone… #fanclub #sexyginger.” The whole enterprise had the same essential comedic philosophy as that school friend who used to etch crude langers into his copy book at the back of CSPE class.

‘Spotted’ was created to aid us in procrastinating, perfectly capitalising on our love of staring at the glistening blue and white waste-hole of Facebook over any type of productivity. The odd gem did sporadically pop up and perforate the deluge of cringe-worthy potty humour that was on show. After a short while the page took on the form and role of an omnipresent pervert deity, foaming over each square inch of our over-exposed tangerine skin and over-wrought biceps.

Although admittedly, the first 400 boob jokes were delightful; after some time, much like real boobs, they began to sag, wither and lapse into a comparatively baffling existence. This anger of course has nothing to do with the lack of recognition I received from that jeering html roll call, as I stalked the corridors daily, chest out, arse tanned, embalmed in Joop! in the hope that someone, anyone would notice me.

Sadly, much like our brain function, the page has been since deactivated until we are next beset by exams. Thus the sex jokes of countless young Irish deviants have been cast into deepest cyber-space, unable to be viewed until, like a young King Arthur, the administrator decides to liberate from the abyss our forum for cutting edge libro-centric comedy, our Excalibur of craic.

Ultimately, what rankles foremost is what this page was not. Student humour, from what can be seen on the numerous other college-related online pages, in spite of its smugness and breathtaking ignorance of the world around it, can be effortlessly and brilliantly inventive. Unfortunately not an ounce of this could be seen in the ‘spotted’ spectre of banality that haunted our exam study.

God knows the administrator must have better things to be doing now, like commenting lewdly on Thursday’s dole queue cleavage following the sacrifice of their college education in pursuit of the bant. Roll on the last week in April when hopefully we can yet again waste seconds, minutes, hours even, trawling Spotted: UCD Library. Sure what else would you be at?