Ekaterina Tikhoniouk describes the unworldly horrors of studying in the library

Studying in the library is detrimental to your overall health and wellbeing, a fact proven by many authentic and intellectual sources (namely myself, the bike shop guy, and that dude I met while searching for a book on the mating habits of jellyfish). Our collective findings have pinpointed the most annoying personalities that you could ever find in the communal library study area, the type of people that make it impossible for anyone else to stay focused for more than 3.14 seconds.

At joint first place we have the coughers and sniffers: you know, the ones that are loudly dying in the back of the room while you desperately try to cram a whole semester’s worth of knowledge into your head. These days, there appear to be whole bands of these ‘unclean’ wandering the study areas, all sniffling in harmony and spreading the Dog Flu or what-have-you.

Next on the list is the loud eater who sits down beside you and ‘secretly’ begins to unwrap his grub under the desk, positive that nobody can hear him. Then, oblivious to the agonised rumbling of all the stomachs around him, he proceeds to savour a breakfast roll of such proportions that it would leave a sumo wrestler clutching his chest in agony.

The Muncher is closely followed by the mystical Library Warden, who can be found prowling the computer area for evil-doers, shushing people for turning pages too loudly and generally being a sod.

And finally, did I mention those evil, evil students who hog all the best books for themselves? The worst library study experience you will ever have occurs two days before your first exam, when you find that your lecture notes for the whole semester contain drool marks from you falling asleep, and little comic strips of your lecturers meeting their untimely deaths in humorous fashion. But before the panic can set in, an organised friend texts you the name and reference code of a book that sums up your entire semester’s lectures and, ecstatic with hope, you float to the library desk – only for the smiling librarian to inform you that the last copy of Environmental Bullshit has just been checked out, but do come back in two weeks time.

So, to sum up our wonderful survey, studying in the library makes you tired, hungry and just downright annoyed. It also increases your chances of catching the Black Death from the untouchables, so take heed and avoid this place of illrepute – just study at home instead.