Mystic Mittens' Horoscopes


The Arts Block cat returns after a summer annoying the Big Brother housemates to guide you through the concrete jungle for another fortnight…

Aries (March 21 – April 20)
This week, you will not get one of the comfy chairs in Starbucks. In fact, they will get you.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Next Wednesday’s lottery numbers are 1.3, 6, 14 1/2, 28i, 67, 89 and the bonus is Pi.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Refrain from eating all boiled ostrich products for the next two weeks, in order to avoid a case of severe dysentery.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
You should wear the blue ones on Friday.

Leo (July 24 – August 23)
As a Leo, your bushy red facial hair will help attract a mate. From Offaly.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23)

Cassiopeia moves into Sagittarius this afternoon. This is a strong indication that at some point in the past fortnight, or alternatively in the next few days, a celebration of some sort will be held in your honour.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)
Because Europa is rising in Jupiter, luck is on your side. Capitalise on this opportunity by not looking before crossing the road.

Scorpio (October 24 – Until I feel you’re ready)
Now more than ever, it’s important to remember that just because something fits in your mouth, doesn’t mean it should go in your mouth.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
This fortnight, it is imperative that you remain constantly vigilant for any signs of treachery in people who are wearing yellow shoes.

Capricorn (December 23 – January 23)
Ever since they took Pluto off the list of planets, your prediction’s just been giving Runtime Errors. I’ve tried recompiling a couple of times, but there’s still a bug showing up at line 237. Looks like you’re on your own.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
For you, drugs – contrary to popular opinion – are, in fact, the answer.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A piece of spinach from that panini you got in Health Sciences earlier will remain lodged between your upper left lateral incisor and canine until you get home this evening, thereby negating the benefits having such a sophisticated lunch had on your status among your peers.