Mystic Mittens' Horoscopes


The Arts Block cat gazes into her crystal ball, and its not a pretty picture…

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
That itchy skin rash you’ve had in that special area will, with your repeated scratching, reveal three Lucky Stars, seeing you win your millions on Winning Streak.

Aquarius (January 21- Febuary 19)
To emerge as unique in the lonely corridors of UCD, you will do anything to get attention. Just don’t let Pulse Security catch you streaking… They’re mean to naked people.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
Like the fish of your star sign, the scales that have become part of your distinctive charm will attract yourself a maritime maid. Your beautiful relationship will sadly end as Captain Birdseye bakes her into a fish finger.

Aries (March 21- April 20)
The good news is that you win a long-standing bet against a friend. The bad news is it will be your head that will explode in the microwave.

Taurus (April 21- May 21)
The playful planet Pluto will wreck havoc with your life this week. Your socks will be swapped with your roommates. Your Hobnobs will be swapped with dog biscuits. Your boxers will be swapped with your ma’s silky pantaloons. You will like it.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
If you go out in the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise, for every bear that ever there was, will gather there for certain, because today’s the day the teddy bears have their ritual B&L student sacrifice. Don’t bother playing dead; the Teddy Bears have caught on to that trick.

Cancer (June 22 – July 21)
Mars, the war sign, will see you involved in a fight to the death. Remember, grasshopper, wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off. You’ll need these skills to defeat that homicidal Bluebottle in a ninja mask. War of the Flies indeed.

Leo (July 22 – August 23)
As Venus moves to its ninth phase, you’re romantic urges take a hold. After one too many Bacardi Breezers, cousin Betsy’s charm and distinctive musk will prove too much to resist.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
Once again you will neglect to remove that excess underarm hair, which result in an infestation of many-legged creatures. It’s not all bad as you will harness their talents, forming a minicircus, which will be hit of the Co. Cavan arts festival.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)
Your beliefs will be shattered this week when you discover that for all those years it wasn’t the Santa sneaking into your room at night, bringing you presents. A rude and slightly painful awakening by your neighbour in a Santa hat will illustrate that those Transformers toys were a bribe for your compliance and

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 20)
A foreboding sense of doom will follow you this fortnight. This will subside as the caped organist that has been stalking you finds work in Dramsoc’s musical, Rent.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20)
Impressing girls with your gymnastic capabilities will take a sinister turn early next week. A botched handstand and a toboggan down the library stairs will leave you with such slow cortex movement that not even the Students’ Union will hire you.