Mystic Mittens


Clawing at your self-esteem, wisdom with whiskers returns with the Arts Block Cat.

Taurus (April 21- May 21)
With a drunken swagger, you will cross social and professional boundaries this fortnight… And no, no one cares what you look like topless.

Gemini (May 22- June 22)
You will wake up tomorrow morning to discover you look like a slightly more rotund Roisin Ingle. You too will have to get a Protestant boyfriend and talk incessantly your nauseating life… until I catch you… that is…

Cancer (June 22- July 21)
Your sexy moves and impeccable dress sens..hahaaa! I’m sorry I can’t keep a straight face! Three words: Alone-again-forever!

Leo (July 22-August 23)
With a face like a Picasso painting and an arse the size of a Volvo, the stars have chosen to take pity and put you out of your misery. Expect lightning bolts and a high-pitched choir.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
The irony of your star sign being the virgin is not lost on the UCD soccer and rugby teams, B&L and even GameSoc, for pity sakes. At this stage it’s just like ringing a dinner bell for the poor chaps. Take a break and get an ice pack to it…

Libra (September 23- October 22)
The life affirmation you need will come on Friday when you see an image of Christ in your Shredded Wheat.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)
Compensating for your meagre manhood by using an oversized novelty pencil in your exam will not hide the fact that your armpit hair reaches your elbow.

Sagittarius (November 23- December 20)
The heavy breathing at the other end of the phone line isn’t meant to turn you on you pervert! There’s a killer on the loose, a sexy, large-breasted killer!

Capricorn (December 21- January 20)
After a particularly exuberant sneeze, you will snotter on the love of your life, thus negating any chance you have for happiness. Might as well fill in your application for a job in the Tierney Building.

Aquarius (January 21- February 19)
How do I say this gently… hmmm, if UCD was the Spice Girls, you would be Sporty- non-descript, questionable sexuality and teeth like a gansta-pony. Nothing to do with fortune telling, just something I wanted to say.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
Mars influences your decision to engage in battle with your flatmates over the dirty dishes. Your demise, as the result of a soiled teaspoon to the jugular, proves that you probably are too uptight.

Aries (March 21-April 20)
No one likes a whistleblower, especially not at 4am. Although DJ Alligator was cool, the UCD population have categorically rejected you offer to let them blow your whistle… baby.