Who da man? Who da man?! Who knows, Mittens is a cat
Aries (18 April-13 May)
You may feel sad that you have never had a nickname. Could it be that you are not in people’s thoughts enough? Either way, your name is now Bitch-tits. Enjoy!
Some people seem to enjoy being dissatisfied. I certainly hope this is the case with your new girlfriend.
Gemini (21 June-20 July)
Don’t give up in the pursuit of true love. The restraining order may say no, but her eyes say please hide in the bushes if you’re going to sob and wank.
Cancer (20 July-10 Aug)
Sticks and stones may break your bones but a crowbar to the elbow will definitely get you out of that exam.
Leo (10 Aug-16 Sep)
You will have a small incident in the Student Bar this week. And by incident, I mean erection.
Virgo (16 Sep-30 Oct)
If you feel people aren’t taking you seriously this fortnight, it might be wise to abandon the clown nose.
Libra (30 Oct-23 Nov)
You have three essays overdue and yet you are reading your horoscope, what would your mother say about this? Well, she’s a Pisces, so who cares?
Scorpio (23 Nov-29 Nov)
Your love of Facebook is alienating your real friends; with the whole world updated regularly on your sandwich habits, what’s left to talk about?
Ophiuchus: (29 Nov-17 Dec)
Your relationship with umbrellas will increase in importance this week. After seeing your parents murdered by an umbrella-wielding madman, you will later confront him as the vigilante Umbrellaman. Unfortunately, you’ll be the Adam West version.
Sagittarius (17 Dec-20 Jan)
You may be overly antagonistic in your disagreements, too willing to call your enemies out. So this fortnight, take a deep breath and have sex with their girlfriend. It’s the gentleman’s way.
Capricorn (20 Jan-16 Feb)
You may be suffering from a lack of confidence, try belittling the achievements of others to compensate.
Aquarius (16 Feb-11 March)
Wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care. Congratulations, you’ve done your exercise for the week.
Pisces (11 March-18 April)
Buy a lottery ticket, lose and then throw it away. It’s probability bitches!