Mystic Mittens


Embrace the new Zodiac signs because Mittens says so

Aries (18 April-13 May)

You escaped with a grazed knee last time, but the next car collision may make a sizable dent in your health insurance.

Taurus (13 May-21 June)

Those taurens who have jumped ship to Gemini were dragging the whole star sign down. You are now perfect.

Gemini (21 June-20 July)

Read between the lines and you will get to the bottom of why your Elements coffee smells like piss.

Cancer (20 July-10 Aug)

You think you should be in a relationship, but that picking-your-nose-and-eating-its-contents combo tends to be a deal breaker.

Leo (10 Aug-16 Sep)

Your new hairstyle is a portal into your soul and mental well-being, and damn do you look messed up.

Virgo (16 Sep-30 Oct)

The only thing as infectious as that smile of yours is the chlamydia inhabiting every sexual hole you have.

Libra (30 Oct-23 Nov)

Consider sleeping in the bath until the bed-wetting subsides.

Scorpio (23 Nov-29 Nov)

Stardom will come in the form of Road Safety Authority using images of your car accident in their next national ad campaign.

Ophiuchus: (29 Nov-17 Dec)

Welcome to the Zodiac club. Common traits of an Ophiuchus include a tendency towards strange fetishes and chronic procrastination.

Sagittarius (17 Dec-20 Jan)

You think you and your partner are on the same wavelength, but one of you is trying for a baby.

Capricorn (20 Jan-16 Feb)

Making friends is tough, but do you know what isn’t: showering!

Aquarius (16 Feb-11 March)

Dumping 101: Look them in the eyes and tell them they’re getting fat. Simplez.

Pisces (11 March-18 April)

Fourteen is the magic number. Once you hit that quota, it’s time to visit the clinic again.