It’s Jamie’s World… we just live in it


Ever sat in the wrong cinema seat? Watch out: Jamie Martin is armed… with Coke

Many problems have faced man since the dawn of time itself – but prime among them must be why people can’t sit in their own seats in the cinema. I can imagine the Greeks fighting over who was sitting in A3 and who in A4 at their auditoriums of old. Something like this really annoys me, as it makes me feel like I am the one who is being unreasonable. Last week I went to see Alice in Wonderland (I wasn’t too impressed, but I’ll leave the reviewing up to the folks on page 20) and found a young Spanish student in my seat. He eventually moved – after the usher shouted at him – only to sneak into the seat beside me after ten minutes of the movie. This alone would not have angered me too much, but it was the fact that he began talking loudly to his girlfriend thereafter that really pissed me off. I thought a few well-aimed glares would do the trick – but eventually I had to sit up, look him in the eye, and tell him to shut the fuck up. Which he promptly executed.

About two years ago – around Christmas time –my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. The place was booked out, as it was the weekend. When I reached our row, I could see that I would have to be an asshole and kick someone out of our seats. I approached the couple and said as politely as I could, “Excuse me, but I think you are in our seats,” meekly showing them my ticket. I was greeted by two very different reactions. The man seemed to be terrified; the woman infuriated. Each had a Jumbo popcorn, a large Coke and maybe six or seven bags of Christmas shopping. The very intelligent woman scowled at me and remarked, “Why does it matter where we sit? Sit somewhere else!”

What I wanted to say was, “Well, you dumb bitch – if we sit somewhere else we will be in someone else’s seats. Then we will have to move or force them to sit somewhere else. Then they will have to move, causing a chain reaction of inconvenience all because you are too stupid to read a ticket.” What I actually said, looking at the man, was, “I’m really sorry.” Which basically was his cue to get up. So, with the woman still complaining and the man trying to shush her, they got up.

What happened next was just wrong. The man dropped his Coke into one of his shopping bags full of Christmas presents. He then bent down to try to fish it out, knocking his girlfriend’s drink out of her hand, which spilled over the three people in the row in front of her. Then the jumbo popcorn was dropped which stuck to everything that was wet. The people in front were not pleased, as they turned around to the man, who I thought at this point was going to have a heart attack. They gathered their Coke-soaked possessions and tried to find their tickets, as myself and the missus settled into the now-vacant seats.

The lights dimmed and I could hear the woman still giving out as I turned to my girlfriend and said, “Good seats, huh?”

The film turned out to be shit, though. Such a waste.