Head To Head: Arts Vs Science


Think you should be dissecting frogs instead of translating Medieval English? Let Kieran Murphy and Paul Gorman decide for you

Paul: Science students are better than Arts students because we would win in a fight – hands down. We have robots to fight for us. Sure you have Geography students (Geography, the only Science so lame it’s an Arts subject), they might help you in a fight, help you get the high ground. Then again, they’re Geography students, and if they fight like they work they’ll probably not help at all.

Kieran: Sorry but robots? I believe we have engineers to thank for that and this is clearly Arts Vs Science. As a matter of fact, Arts students would win in a fight just because of the sheer number of us. While you’re toiling away in labs looking for the right percentage of clove oil in a beaker, we’re all up in the library bench-pressing with 1,200 page heavy anthologies of English literature.

And what have Science students ever done for the world? Create black holes – that’s what you’ve done. Without science, black holes never would have existed and we wouldn’t be living in fear of being sucked into God’s mouth

Paul: You’re afraid of black holes? They are generalised and paraded around as something that would instantly destroy us all if they entered our solar system.

So are all Arts students good at drawing then? What good is English anyway? Whoever uses words? And history, that was yesterday. Get over it. And medieval times, that was like, ages ago, before science was even invented. And those guys were bad-ass and had swords and stuff. Medieval students don’t have swords; their degrees aren’t worth the receipts they’re written on. Conclusion: Arts ain’t no use to nobody. Second conclusion: I have a giant tub of acid, it’s awesome.

Kieran: Arts is a wondrous degree that gives people the option of a wealth of different careers. For instance, where did Ryan Tubridy come from? History. Where did Rosanna Davison come from? Art History. And they’re fine beacons of our society that have all originated from Arts. In fact, Arts students get better life satisfaction from our time in college than Science students. Since when was the last time we heard about a Science student’s banter?

And if we want to talk about useless subjects, what about physics? Since when has a subject that is completely theoretical and therefore made up been allowed to be taught in a college? Even though history may be over, at least we’re not sitting around waiting for two atoms that may or may not collide in Geneva.

Paul: Where did Ryan Tubridy come from? Science should get on that and figure out how to plug it up. I don’t even know who Rosanna Davison is and you know why? She never invented anything. Life satisfaction is overrated.

Who wants to be happy when instead you can spend hours tormenting yourself over the smallest detail only to then discover that you didn’t need to do anything at all? I mean, who doesn’t love that? You know what, fine. You go have fun with the Arts students, but leave your iPods with us and remember this: we invented internet porn and we can take it away.

Kieran: Funny you should mention internet porn. Science students must be watching a lot of it due to your general lack of personalities and charisma. I’m sure that on the Science Soc’s monthly night out to Coppers, the ladies aren’t exactly swooning at your anecdotes about nuclei walking in bars.

While Arts students may not be the hardest workers of all time, we’re certainly more socially intelligent. Mentioning you used to sit in the same classroom as Rosanna Davison is a lot more appealing to a female than saying you can fully implement Einstein’s theory of who the hell cares.

Paul: That’s not why we lack personality and charisma. We lack it because we suppress it to make ourselves better scientists. You can’t charm a bacteriophage to infect some spirillum volutans. We’re stoic as Buddhist monks, but instead of two-finger Zen, we try to make the world

a little bit better. We’re also like monks in that we’re bald, never have sex, and sometimes want to set ourselves on fire….or maybe that’s just me.

Kieran So you’re saying that a Science student’s only goal in life is to make money? Advance yourself in a career? Whatever happened to going to college to find yourself, get an education, or become an academic? Science students are a purge on the fine institution of UCD. Where do Science students study? The James Joyce Library. Without him we wouldn’t have a five-story tall mecca of education to hone ourselves in.

Paul: Without James Joyce we wouldn’t have a metaphorical mecca of concrete called Ulysses. If we wanted to make money we would study finance, if we wanted an education we would watch that movie with Carey Mulligan and Peter Sarsgaard, and if we wanted to be academics we would work harder. Ultimately, there’s only one reason anyone decides to be a Science student: to meet cute Asian girls.