Head 2 Head: Cyclists vs. Drivers


In this issue’s Head to Head, staunch cyclist Anna Burzlaff and devout driver Jon Hozier-Byrne argue over the best way to get from A to B

Anna: Alright lazy boy, I understand that the concept of exercise is probably beyond your grasp, but there should be some simple points on the benefits of cycling even the most mentally stunted can comprehend.

Drivers are contributing to the destruction of the environment and you have to admit that it can be pretty pricey to own a car. Daddy’s income may seem never-ending, but all that money on petrol and insurance does add up and it is a recession loike. Perhaps the benefits of cycling don’t enter into the consciousness of those looking for their latest McDonald’s fix. However, when considered with exercise, the environment and money, cycling is truly a no-brainer.

Jon: Listen here you rudderless hippy, when has the environment done anything for us? All Mother Nature’s ever done is stop flights over Iceland and trap Chileans. Granted I, like everyone else, don’t give a thru’penny-wank about Chileans, but you have to admit the environment is a prick.

You should be thanking me for burning up as much petrol as I possibly can. Occasionally I just leave my car running outside my godson’s Montessori when I go in for a sly cigar. My point is that if I want to burn rubbish in my back garden using petrol and seal-blubber, there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop me. Cut your hair and put down that jazz woodbine, you’re only fooling yourself.

Anna: Typical driver response. Who cares if our country is slowly sinking into the sea? As long as we have heated car seats and electric windows, everything’s a-okay!  Your ten-minute drives down to the local shop are threatening much more than a bunch of annoyed Ryanair customers, but I guess that’s the hallmark of the 21st century driver: destruction over effort. You’d run over your own grandmother if it meant less work in pushing the brake pedal. If caring about the planet makes me a hippie, then buy me a hemp jumper and dread my hair.

Jon: What was that? I’m sorry; I couldn’t hear you over the scraping of your mannish cyclist’s thighs. For your information, my drive down to the local shop takes nowhere near ten minutes. With my sweet Daewoo Lanos, I’m there in no time flat. AND, I can go if it’s raining, without the fear you experience of getting your tie-dyed T-shirt and sandals wet.

Anna: Oh big mistake bringing out the body insults. The sound of your bingo wings flapping every time you turn the wheel of your car to pick up your frappuccino makes the polar bears on the melting ice caps cry.

Jon: Polar bears are wankers, giving their babies Coke like that. They’re like the bear equivalent of poor people.

Which brings me nicely to your second point: cars are expensive. Yes, yes they are. I bought my own car, I pay the tax and I pay the insurance, as well as petrol, services and NCTs. I am able to do this because I work and CONTRIBUTE SOMETHING TO SOCIETY. Unless they find a way to turn pedalling and joint-rolling into a lucrative profession, I reckon you’ll be stuck on the ol’ two speed for the foreseeable future.

Anna: Oh yes I’m sure the Irish economy has benefited massively from your purchase of a Korean car. Let’s face it; your tax and insurance payments are more likely going towards government trips to Las Vegas.

What about the plethora of drivers who disregard the rules so much that not only do you put yourselves in danger, but everyone else near you? Although I have a variety of scrapes and bruises to represent various nights cycling home when my journey was less then steady, I doubt I was ever in the position where I could actually cause serious harm to someone.

While you drivers may think it’s alright to ruin the environment or indulge in sickening laziness, your inherent inability to get into the right lane, indicate, or slow down proves just how inconsiderate you are.

Jon: How could insurance payments go to government trips? Were you too busy tonguing your bong in CSPE to know how government works?

Right, so your argument is cyclists are safer than drivers because by your own admission, you cycle while drunk. Brilliant.

Cyclists care as little for the rules of the road as I do for the animals of Farthing Wood that I’m slowly suffocating with my exhaust fumes. Believe it or not, according to the law, you can’t do whatever the hell you feel like, when you feel like it. That’s how you cause accidents, accidents that the grown-ups with insurance then have to pay for.

Nobody cares about cyclists. They are incompetent, idiotic, selfish attention-seekers who want nothing more than to light up a fat doobie and gently weep in a forest while masturbating furiously. End of.