Mystic Mittens


The claws are out this Valentine’s Day when Mittens returns from the beauty salon with some sage romantic advice


April 19th – May 13th

Just tell her how you really feel, with no inhibitions. Of course she’s ready for full exposure to the id of a desperate man.


May 14th – June 21st

Thank god that Bebo’s servers are working again, how else could you share the luv?

Seriously, works like a charm.


June 22nd – July 20th

I wouldn’t bother shaving your legs; no one’s going to see them.


July 21st – August 10th

The trick to a self-made card is the paper. Get some of that sweet, thick, coloured card to show that special someone you mean business. No, A4 printer paper will not cut it, but sticking dried pasta to your card is most definitely a nice touch.


August 11th – September 16th

Gonna get some tonight, *wink*. And by ‘some’, I do mean crabs, but also sex. Go you!


September 17th – October 30th

That teddy bear isn’t obnoxious or large enough, so take it back. It should be 1.5 times the size of its recipient, like statues of communist dictators.


October 31st – November 23rd

A few tins and a Jason Statham flick, you sure know how to charm them, lad.


November 24th – November 29th

Baths for two are always romantic; just don’t become obsessed with perfecting your bubble beard. That goes for you too, lads.


November 30th – December 17th

You’re going to die alone.


December 18th – January 20th

The boombox trick won’t work; ‘Say Anything…’ came out twenty-six years ago. Plus, your ex’s father died in that tragic boombox factory accident when they were still relevant.


January 21st – February 16th

You will get struck by Cupid’s arrow and require experimental heart surgery. Fingers crossed, eh?


February 17th – March 11th

Write her a haiku. Bitches no longer love sonnets.


March 12th – April 18th

What do you say me, you and that fine lookin’ scratching pole take this party elsewhere?