O-two Opinion: How to run the country proper

Last week Fianna Fáil proposed radical changes as part of their election manifesto. This week Paul Fennessy offers some genuinely radical, student-friendly ideas

Fianna Fáil’s election manifesto, which appeared last week, was quite simply a load of balderdash. There was not one iota of radicality about it. And yes, I’m aware that ‘radicality’ is not an actual word, but get used to it, as this is the type of tone which this article will be adopting from here on in.

Anyhow, the following list comprises of alternative schemes which FF must adopt to appease the much-coveted and increasingly agitated student market. And by ‘increasingly agitated student market’, I mean the three paranoid stoners I met the other day who are convinced Brian Cowen was behind 9/11. Therefore, the following list entails six simple guidelines outlining how to manage our humble little country more effectively. Listen up, Enda!

1. Having members of the Dáil conduct all their affairs through Facebook.

I know this idea might sound silly, but can you honestly think of a better way to enforce greater transparency in Irish politics? What’s more, it would be far more convenient way of managing things. Whether or not a Bill is passed would depend on whether it receives a certain quota of likes. TDs could outline their policies through a simple Facebook wall update rather than having to go through the painstaking hassle of travelling door-to-door to get their point across.

And if the politician in question is elected, the victory party would not be the usual highly exclusive fare that such occasions normally constitute. Everyone would be invited through the simple means of a group event invitation. You can thank me later.

2. Ordering politicians to refer to each other exclusively as ‘babes’ or ‘dude’ regardless of gender.

One of the main problems with politicians in this country (and indeed every other country) is that the average person on the street simply cannot relate to them. One means of correcting this problem would be to alleviate the stuffy and frankly outdated formalities which remain rife in Irish politics.

Surely names like Taoiseach and Tánaiste are far too high falutin’ for these auspicious individuals. They are, after all, only flesh and blood. Just like Anto and Rasher and the rest of us average joes. In fact, politicians have been scientifically proven to be seven-and-a-half times less intelligent than the average 13-year-old hermaphrodite. So let’s remove them from their high horses, shall we?

3. Implementing mandatory Jerry Springer-style lie detector tests for any citizen to have participated in, discussed, or expressed a passing interest in Irish politics over the course of the past 29-and-a-half years. Those who fail shall be burned.

This rule requires no further explanation.

4. Reducing college fees.

That’s right. There’s no need to check your eyesight. In order to move forward as a nation, we must reduce fees for our education. The reason being – and I’m not sure all those old fogeys known as politicians realise this problem – is that students are perpetually broke. And if they continue to steal our money, students such as myself will lose the ability to spel wurds akuratelly.

Therefore, Gary Redmond must explain to them all that accessories such as books and marijuana should be as readily available and free as running water is to the average man on the street. How could one expect to properly experience college without such basic necessities?

5. Making bankers, banking and any form of transaction via machine illegal.

Bankers. They’re a useless bunch, aren’t they? Well, at least in the last few years, their performances have been highly treacherous. Come to think of it, were they ever really that necessary in the first place?

Exhibit A: Cavemen. They didn’t have bankers in their time and they got along more than okay. What’s more, they didn’t have to deal with the stress of this bloody recession. Exhibit B: The animals. Apart from the cash cow, I can’t think of any other beast or beastling that deals in monetary matters. Consequently, at the very least, we should look to cut out the middle man (aka the banker) and simply conduct business exclusively through cash in hand. UCD Students’ Union does it, so why can’t everyone else?

6. Replacing the statue of Daniel O’Connell on O’Connell St with one of Sir David Hasselhoff.

Let’s be honest, no one really likes Daniel O’Connell. Let’s be even more honest, no one really knows who he is. The Hoff, on the other hand, is a genuine national treasure. Though his links to this country are tenuous, and at the time of going to print, The University Observer was unable to ascertain whether the Hoff had ever actually set foot in this country, his greatness remains unparalleled.

Not only did the ex-Baywatch star appear in one of the greatest television shows ever made (Baywatch), he also appeared in one of the greatest movies ever made (The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie). Moreover, he improved US-German relations exponentially, after the minor setback in the countries’ relationship owing to World War Two.


So there you have it: six simple ways of improving our country. I know they may sound a tad unrealistic and prone to failure, but then we’re more or less doomed either way. So why not give them a lash for the laugh?