Mystic Mittens

Meow meow, bang bang, Mittens is more caustic than ever this fortnight

Aries (18 April-13 May)

Imagine your life is a box. Now take all your troubles, worries and fears and place them into the box. Basically, what I’m saying is you need to move out.

Taurus (13 May-21 June)

They say when life gives you lemons; make lemonade. You should try sticking them up your top to make your boobs look bigger.

Gemini (21 June-20 July)

This fortnight will be full of setbacks – Your favourite jeans will get bleach on them, a bird will crap on your hair and you will lose an election to a fictional character.

Cancer (20 July-10 Aug)

It’s important not to procrastinate, to seize the day and… Ugh, I’m too tired; I’ll finish your horoscope tomorrow.

Leo (10 Aug-16 Sep)

That new jumper doesn’t suit you at all, despite what your mum said. Create a bonfire to keep yourself warm instead.

Virgo (16 Sep-30 Oct)

Your work will go unappreciated. This problem isn’t for the fortnight; it is forever. Welcome to adulthood.

Libra (30 Oct-23 Nov)

This will be a time of love for you. Someone you haven’t met yet cares for you deeply and is watching you. Forever watching.

Scorpio (23 Nov-29 Nov)

Your aggressive nature is strong this fortnight, so be careful. Someone’s going to notice the bodies eventually.

Ophiuchus: (29 Nov-17 Dec)

The essays are starting to pile up now. A day in the library will serve you well. No, no, it’s near the Arts block. That’s the bar, other side. Just… never mind.

Sagittarius (17 Dec-20 Jan)

The alignment of Venus suggest that you have improbable beliefs

Capricorn (20 Jan-16 Feb)

I have to say, your horoscope isn’t looking good today, but for the right incentive I could *ahem* look again…

Aquarius (16 Feb-11 March

The Moon in Aquarius today conjuncts Pluto and sextiles Venus. I hope that makes things clearer.

Pisces (11 March-18 April)

For luck, wear flowers in your hair. Oh wait, not luck… wasps, I was thinking of wasps.