Football Fantasies #14: Do not adjust your browser settings


You may be wondering what I’m doing here, but she totally said I could hijack guest star in her blog, and it’s my paper anyway so there.

I had to come on and give all the gossip for the weekend, mainly because my team, the FunLaoghaire Pirates, are riding high in third place. Bridget will likely be storing up her ire to be released on this page relatively soon since Team News have slipped a couple of places to sixth. I’m not sure if she knows yet, so be gentle – especially about the part where Stade Parfail are moving up the table.

I really didn’t see this coming, and I feel bad for telling her that Fabregas is so last month and Lampard is the new April. I don’t think it’s a sign though, I firmly believe that Team News will be soaring above us all in a couple more weeks – this is just a blip.

It’s been a trying time for us Fantasy Premier League managers, we all lost Rooney and now quite a few have lost their Fabregas as well. Luckily, I had no idea who Fabregas was when picking the FunLaoghaire Pirates, and so never bought him. I did have Wayne though, and his silly sprained ankle left a very hairy-chested, big-eared Wayne-shaped hole in my eh…front row. Whatever it’s called, Rooney is no longer in it, and since he’s probably not going to be back for a few weeks, I cut him loose.

Then I brought some of my tactical thinking from the world of fantasy rugby into the world of football. As it turns out, they are not the same sport and just because Toby the Tiger can kick doesn’t mean I can play him here.

Worse yet was that Chelsea were playing Man Utd. I honestly hadn’t a clue which way that game would go, and I decided that since I already had Malouda and Evra, bringing in a Chelsea striker wasn’t a good idea. I think it was a good plan, especially when Man City were playing Burnley.

Poor Burnley by the way. I mean really, three nil down within seven minutes is just sad – way harsh Man City. On the plus side picking Tevez as captain banked the FunLaoghaire Pirates a very nice 24 points. And unlike Bridget, I couldn’t care less if he cheated on his wife – morals have no place in fantasy sport.

I’m very happy with the Pirates at the moment, most of you wont know them really so let me introduce you. In goals we have Sorensen, he’s come back swinging in the last fortnight after I rested him a few weeks ago. Then in defence we have Evra, Dunne and Baines. Corluka would be there too but he’s injured himself, and Insua mainly sits on the bench keeping it warm. The midfield consists of Milner, Malouda, Etherington and Bowyer. Yes I have Bowyer, I was going to get rid but I couldn’t afford it last week and then he scored so he got one more chance. Milner didn’t play this week for some reason but he’s been one of the Pirates most consistent players. Up front then are Tevez, Bent and Zamora. Tevez as we know netted himself and the Pirates 24 points this week, while Zamora is whinging about Manflu. For some reason the fact that he didn’t play doesn’t bother me as much as when one (or four) of the Beards didn’t play, even though I only have one eligible sub and he came on for James. Maybe I’m not as invested in the Pirates as I am in the Beards, I guess we just didn’t bond from the off. Anyway where was I, ah yes Bent. He would have scored as many points as Tevez were it not for missing those two penalties, and really what were Spurs at? I’m asking you Paul Fennessy, where was their mental strength on Saturday?

Which brings me to my most niggly of niggling problems: since selling Wayne I have a 4.3 million surplus in the bank and I want to use it soooooo bad. It’s the itchy trigger finger rearing its ugly head again, I have a transfer for this week and I have the cash to spare so why not right? Wrong.

No thank you

I like the Pirates as they are (this week) and even though Fulham and Stoke have a double game week, I don’t really want to sell any of my current players to bring in a new one. But seeing that money just sitting there is ever so slowly wearing my down. And that means that I’m going to do something stupid like waste eight points trying to rearrange the team to fit Lampard. I don’t want Lampard, and we don’t need Lampard thank you very much.

So, does anyone want 4.3 million imaginary pounds?