Couples Therapy


Our resident love doctor is here to guide you through the finer points of surviving in a couple

Dear Doctor McSeamy,

I’m a 22-year-old female in UCD who has been dating this guy for a couple of months, and recently he told me that he wants an open relationship. I didn’t even know what that was, but apparently it means we can score other people but still be boyfriend and girlfriend.

Why does he want this, and what should I do? I don’t really like the idea, but he says we should try new things, so should I go along with it?



Dear Sinead,

I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend wants to bang other girls, but this is really what it really boils down to. An open relationship is basically a free pass to get some ass, and if you don’t succeed, go home with your backup squeeze. It’s not fair to you to be put in this position, unless you want to do the same thing and go out and score some man meat. If that’s the case, then hell yeah; but as you’ve indicated, hell no. If you are willing to change it up, I’ll give you a few simple rules to break your man like a wild mare.

Men are like dogs. If you don’t give them boundaries, they will eat your neighbour’s babies like a wild dingo. So you have to create a reward and punishment system. If they behave well, you give them what they want: food, sex, beer and sports.

If they misbehave, you must withhold said items until they run away to a new master (which means they weren’t that loyal anyway) or you break them, and find them whimpering in a corner. This is tough, because it means you might lose your man, but when you act like you don’t give two shits if he stays around, it means he’ll want to stay around.

This is kind of hard to understand, but it falls under the rule of ‘hard to get’, and have you ever seen a dog chase birds? ‘Nuff said.

So how does this help you? Let me explain. I would bet that even when he snogs other girls, and does all kinds of stupid shit, you still give it up at the end of the night. I hate to say this, but you gotta have way more self-respect than to let him get away with that shit.

Instead, you gotta lay down the law, and tell him it’s either you, or all the other random hoe-bags out there. We men admire someone with some cahones, and this is the difficult decision you have to make: if he doesn’t respect you enough to keep you his main squeeze, is he worth it?

Luckily, the reason why men like women who are hard to get, is because it shows they have a measure of self-respect and self-worth, and we really, really like that. Because we are stupid (like puppies), we think that if you value yourself, you are something to be valued (i.e. we rarely ever think for ourselves). So, you must value yourself, and he will value you far more.

The open relationship is the Holy Grail for men everywhere. It means you can go around tapping some strange, and then go home and still have your sweet nurturing girlfriend to apply salve to the friction burn. It ain’t right!

I hope this helps.