Couples Therapy


Our resident love god, Doctor McSeamy, tackles all your relationship woes

Dear Doctor McSeamy,

Against my better judgment I come to you for advice. Last month I had my 21st birthday party, and my new boyfriend was there. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a few months back, but because we have lots of friends in common, I totally had to invite all of them to not be rude. My ex was a real dirtbag, and we had a terrible break-up, and my boyfriend knows this, so when my ex came in, he totally picked a fight with him and ruined my whole 21st party!! He also got thrown out, and totally embarrassed me in front of my family and friends!

I was really upset, but my boyfriend refuses to apologise, and says that my ex deserved it, and shouldn’t have come. He’s totally retarded and doesn’t even understand why I’m upset. I really don’t understand why he’s like this. Can you please, like, explain it?


Hey Smigo,

I’m sorry to hear that your 21st party was ruined. Unfortunately, this was probably mostly – almost totally – your fault. But not to worry, because most people don’t have a cool interesting story to tell about their 21st, and you do, so in a way you owe your boyfriend a thanks (I’ve got your back, brotha).

So – let’s get into the meat of it.

Men are like dogs – simple and very predictable – and every man will react a certain way to a given situation. In general, there are two types of men: the protectors and the chillers. You have a protective man, and from his behaviour in other circumstances I’m sure you know this to be true. He will defend your honour – kick a guy’s ass who slapped your behind when you were shaking your ass on the dance floor. The chillin’ guy, on the other hand, will probably just slap his ass, and everyone will laugh. Different strokes for different folks.

Your boyfriend definitely did not react ideally to this situation – he probably should have chilled until you called him over, then protected. But you must understand that this is as much about his pride and reputation as it is about his affection for you. He is the Alpha, if you were to be harmed under his watch, it would reflect badly upon him – and yourself, your girlfriends and your Daddy must too agree with this.

Am I right? Yes I am. It’s a territorial thing (yes, another dog metaphor). Dirtbag came in trying to pee all over you like ‘I can just walk up into this motha’, but your boyfriend peed on him – that is to say, ‘you can’t just walk up into this motha’. Boyfriend 1, Dirtbag 0.

So you really left him no choice. You don’t properly understand your man, and as a result you put him in a situation where he was forced to defend you (in his eyes). It’s like going to the park with your pitbull, and then getting some old homeless guy to hit you with a stick. Your pitbull is going to bite that man in the ass, and your boyfriend did pretty much the same thing (actually, I hope not).

Undoubtedly you could defend yourself amicably against both the dirtbag and the homeless guy (who incidentally has a PhD in psychology). But in your boyfriend’s mind, his job is to protect, and yours is to be rescued. This might be macho, unsophisticated… whatever, but there’s nothing you can do to change it. This type of behaviour is deeply ingrained in such men, by awesome movies like Rambo and Jumanji. It is something you’ll have to accept in your boyfriend, and to account for always. If you want peace, and you want him to feel good, it isn’t your job to be rescued, as much as to trick your man into thinking he’s rescuing you – for better or worse, that’s the truth-bomb.

Now, I must also assume that your ex was probably of the same variety (macho, protective, etc), with a bit of jerkface mixed in. Women, for whatever reason, are always attracted to the same type of guy, whether or not it’s good for them. You must recognise the pattern of your own behaviour if you want to avoid the cycle of ruined parties.

So you must ask yourself a few important questions. Do you disapprove of this protective quality in your boyfriend? If so, can you learn to live with it? Do his other attributes outweigh this one? Or, is it time to find a chiller? Finally, if you learn to live with it, what must you do to slowly, and inexorably crush his spirit until he is morphed into the man you actually want him to be?

Ladies, its simple, understand your man. Then train him like a naughty puppy. Happy Valentine’s day. ☺