Fantasy Football #4: One Girl, What Cup?

I am doing quite well in Fantasy Premier League. I’m over the Giggs breakup; it was awkward at first, but I’ve moved on. Things were tough. Ryan was really upset when he heard that I’d moved on so quickly, but, because it’s me, of course Giggs got onto the field, and according to Sports Editor Killian, “almost scored a goal.” Milner has been serving me well though. I’m really quite happy with my team.

But with the good comes the bad. No one seemed to want to let me know that the FA Cup doesn’t count for Fantasy Premier League points. What?! I know. I couldn’t believe it either. Every single week, Team News go out on the pitch, score goals, and I am left pointless. It just seems so unfair.

The FA Cup is like when you see a top that you’ve been craving, in your size, 70 per cent off. You buy it and get all excited about wearing it, then you bring it home and there’s a massive hole that’s completely obvious but that you’ve missed. Your hopes have been raised, you’ve been planning where you’re going to wear it, but now it’s all ruined. You bring it back to the shop, but they tell you that it was only on sale because it was damaged, so you’re left with this depressing rag sitting at the bottom of your wardrobe.

It’s just not a nice feeling.

My main problem with the FA Cup is that it seems to me that they make absolutely no effort to differentiate the cup matches from the league matches. Someone like me, who barely recognises that it’s football in the first place, has to go digging around on the internet to find this one measly piece of information. I understand that there’s something fun in variety, but all I’m asking for is some consistency within variety. That can happen, right?

The difficulty really lies in my personal situation. As I have no television in my flat (my flatmate and I didn’t have the means to pay for a TV licence), I either have to go to the pub – or, far more likely, check results out online. Often I just ask Killian. He is my sports guru. I don’t like talking to Fenno, our sports columnist, about the league, because he is so far ahead of me that I would feel grossly inadequate. Killian’s floundering means that I feel good chatting to him about it.

I just want the points that my players have earned. I picked some great people and for that, I deserve their points. ALL OF THEM. Is that so much to ask? I put so much into this team and all I’m asking for is a fair reward.

This week has been slightly disappointing for me. All of my big hitters have been playing slightly below par. So far, Fabregas has only netted me two points and Crouch isn’t really up to scratch either. Rooney is doing wonderfully, but that’s because he drags in about 99.9 per cent of my points total. I’m hoping that next week goes better. I may even watch a match next week (in the Premier League, not the FA Cup. I’ve learned my lesson and it’s been tough. Never get your hopes up until you log onto the website and see your real points. It’s not real unless it’s there, in black and white.

The Badger’s Mini League is suffering something of an upset. We’ve gotten so used to Fenno being on top of the league and being about twenty points ahead of all of us. However, something wicked this way comes. Matt United, chaired by our Chief Features Writer Matt Gregg, is now joint top with Fenno’s AC Slater. Catriona’s Fun Laoghaire Pirates have edged ahead of me, but none of this actually matters because she and I are united in beating Killian and Deputy Editor Gav. This really is bringing out the best in all of us.

In other news, it seems as if Ashley Cole has cheated on Cheryl again. I’m not sure why she hasn’t left him yet. She has her own money, but if she’s looking for someone to keep her comfortable, or she finds the power thing attractive, I’d advise she go for Simon Cowell. An older man with a media empire that stretches to the States is definitely what she needs. She can get famous over there, and Ashley can go back to sending dirty pictures to tacky glamour models.