Rugby Fantasies #12


If last weekend was misery and woe, I dread to think what this week is going to be.


Wales have continued their hate campaign against my Beards and culled both Martyn Williams and Richie Rees. What did poor Martyn Williams ever do to deserve not playing for Wales? Apart from not playing very well for Wales. And that’s the third scrum-half in five games, make up your bloody mind Warren. I knew the lack of rugby knowledge would make

Car and scrum-half

things difficult, I didn’t think it would be my lack of understanding of what scrum-halves do though. I thought they were all just little people prone to stints on Strictly Come Dancing. I didn’t realise they could actually score tries or assists. I’ll never underestimate the number nine again that’s for sure, and I’ll never pick a Welsh one ever, ever again.

England haven’t exactly been kind either, dropping Mathew one t Tait and Jonny. Obviously, I’m delighted about Jonny, but the Beards will miss Mathew’s gorgeous hair. It’s really for the best though, I’ve seen what Gavin Henson did to him a few years ago, and this week he’d be up against Bastareaud so it’s better he just hides behind the bench until it’s all over. As for Jonny, well he’s been a mediocre servant to the Beards, but we did like the way he squats to take his kicks. When I say like, I mean snigger. And when I say snigger, I mean point and laugh.


As for France, well Mathieu is back as is Jauzion. All my French Beards are playing, but we’re counting on Dusautoir to step up this week and score some points. He’s our only French player not on either Woods’s or Chambers’s teams (for good reason clearly) so it’s up to him to try and bridge the gap between third and top.

All in all four players are out, no injuries, just persnickity coaches and we BGB only have one precious choice left to make.

So with one transfer left, I fulfilled the impossible dream and brought Toby the Tiger into the Beards starting XV again. This time I listened to my heart over my head, because for all my chat I haven’t really learned to think with only my head. This time though, he will be kicking, and hopefully well. But I still have an uneasy feeling that maybe I should have brought in Mike Phillips instead and left Jonny in the fold. But it’s too late, it’s done and there is nothing more I can do for the Big Gay Beards but watch the action on Saturday. Not too closely unfortunately because it’s that same cousin’s birthday again, and we have dinner reservations again, so I’ll see some of France-England in the mirror while putting on mascara again.

News Editor reckons there’s something almost peaceful about not having control over the team any more. She’s a lying wench.

It’s wretched, I want to buy transfers, I need to buy transfers, why did we make the no transfers rule anyway? What a pathetic attempt at making things fair, when obviously there’s no room for ‘fair’ in this game. There is only winning. And I am not. Going. To. Win.

I think third place is safe, but there are no guarantees. After a very brief fall from the top of the Fantasy Premier League, Fenno has returned to poll position in soccer and is sneaking up the outside in rugby. Why does he have to be so awesome at everything?

I’m not going to go out all bitter and hardened from defeat though, and in truth I’m not actually defeated yet so I have come up with a cunning reasoning to make me and the Beards feel better. Finishing third in our first Six Nations isn’t at all bad, and we’re a young team and we now have a great foundation for the World Cup. Not only do I have more experience in matters such as prop identification and points scoring, but I get to research for a whole year and a half.

So yeah, bring it.