Fantasy Football #11: Searching my soul


Sorry for my absence football fans. It’s been a stressful essay and news filled week for this soccerphile news editor. It’s back to being a depressed football emo for me, I’m afraid. Having gotten back up to first again, I am now languishing at fourth. FOURTH! How did this even happen to me?

I think I got too cocky. Spouting my victory chants and Zack Morris propaganda, I must have angered the Fantasy Premier League gods, because they struck me down, and boy they did it good. I am a smoking, charred heap at the bottom of the table (apart from Catriona, Killian, Gav and Quinton, obviously) crying and wondering where to go next.

I will not be defeated though. Even if this week is full of setbacks. I finally cut Bowyer loose. Of all the people to break my moral code for, he was the absolute pits. What a waste. He scored me about

Get out, right now. It's the end of you and me.

minus three points in his time at Team News. He’s done a bit of a Giggs on it, except that while I likened Giggs to a lovely, slightly pathetic puppy-dog man, Bowyer is comparable to a sloth boyfriend. The type that puts nothing into your relationship, doesn’t have the decency to get off of the couch and get some ambition and, to make matters worse, he has horrible hair. I know I’m shallow, but feminists do not allow themselves to be drained by poisonous men. I cannot allow him to drag Team News into the muck the way he has recently. Bowyer, you’re binned.

Heavy set forehead...

The first thing I do when I buy a new player is to Google Images them to check that they fit with the Team News aesthetic. I plumped for Etherington, just because I’d heard good things from the office, mostly from Catriona. He’s not half bad. He only looks a tiny bit like a caveman. I got a bit of a fright when Gav told me his name was Nigel (vomit), but thankfully it’s Matthew. I’m all for crazy names, after all I’m the only woman under 105 called Bridget, but a footballer called Nigel? Even I have limits.

In addition, my faithful Villa players all seem to be falling victim to Achilles tendon injuries. I did classics for two years at university level and James Milner is no Brad Pitt. Dunne either. The two of them need to man up and realise that their physical comfort does not matter when the Team News name is on the line.

I didn’t think fourth would feel this bad. The burning shame is crippling. I keep blaming myself for things like not bringing Fabregas back in time or not making Bent captain. Milner as captain was such a pathetic idea. He only got me eight points and that was with the double points captain system.

I’m convinced that this is just a bad run of luck. I have to get back on top. It’s where I belong. I want a shot at the Pat Leahy Memorial Cup. It will be engraved with the Team News name come May. Matt United, AC Slater and 119 afc had better watch their backs. Angry feminists are not something to be scoffed at.